I used to have a lot of time to think. Before Niki started completely loosing grasp, when it was simply just the beginning of a long fall. Now it took more concentration then I could pull from the few resources we have. Fearing that if I became too weak I would completely lose myself. Niki at least had the comfort of believing she was living in reality and going thru the motions. But I knew the reality of it and that made it so much harder. When Niki had first started going downhill, we had conversations where I attempted to get Niki to realize what was real and what wasn't. This only led to Niki fighting harder and loosing ground faster. My more desperate attempts at taking over had led to the crashing of all reality for Niki. Those moments of awareness when they were between themselves, where there was no separation at all were too much for Niki.
During those times when thinking and planning without the constant rambling of Niki in their mind. She thought back to how it all began. My first memories were of standing over Niki's dead sister as their father reeled back to hit Niki and have her join her sister in death. That’s when I grabbed onto all of the memories Niki had of Jessica and made them myself. Jessica in life had been her protector and in death, she would be as well through me. I know I'm not really her sister she had in life, but a saying I heard once heard that memories make the person strikes me as true. I have all Niki's memories including all those of Jessica, and memories Niki doesn’t even have access to. I emulated all of her abilities, how she acted, how she looked, everything, and after a while I became her.
Then it had been simple I had aged with Niki at that time she was a child and it was easy to become what she wished. In my heart, I am Niki's sister, and nothing would break us apart again. I protected Niki then thru beatings and the healings so that Niki would not remember it at all. Attended classes for and did all she needed to get her thru. That's when the first problems began. Niki having no memory of my actions led to her not having memory of what she had learnt. So I made provisions, I always made provisions to keep us safe. When we finally moved out years later, when Niki became angry at the fact her father was never around from her perspective. I took a back seat. Figuring Niki could fight for herself.
Now this doesn't mean I never completely left I'd guide a hand, change an arrangement here or there, nothing big enough to be noticed. When Niki got too drunk and blacked out, I tended to be the one to awake first and deal with things. Because that’s my role, protecting Niki, protecting Micah. I never liked DL he was a threat to everything we were trying to make, an ex-con who I saw as dangerous. You have to remember the only man I really knew was our father. When he returned I had no choice but to start over again and as the black outs lessoned and Niki had awareness of each other totally things changed as well. When your entire life is to protect someone and then you can't, can't even have moments to exist to try. And all you can have is fleeting arguments about a reality that doesn't exist or an irrational thought brought up. Of course, you leap at a chance to end it all. Tina had been too frightened of me to help, even though she did accept that Niki was safe with me, I knew she was scared. So, when Peter showed up I saw our shot of fixing things. We'll never be normal, but we both deserve a chance to survive.
Even with rare moments of control I have now, I still protect her. And I always will. I have to think even now a part of her knows that. Well not think, I know she knows it I know everything she does. And I know how it hurts her to see me like this, just as it hurts me to see her the way she has become.*****************